How "Come As You Are" Transformed My Approach to Intimacy

By Dr. Erica Magruder  - Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist at Empower Your Pelvis, in Kansas City, Missouri (Lee Summit, MO and Overland Park, KS)

This isn’t a traditional book review, but I have to share how Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are completely shifted my perspective on sexual health. This book is packed with insights that can truly transform the way you think about intimacy and your connection to your body.

The Concept of “Brakes and Accelerators”

One of the game-changing ideas in Nagoski’s book is the concept of “brakes and accelerators.” Essentially, these are the factors that either inhibit or enhance your sexual experience. Nagoski encourages readers to reflect on their own “brakes and accelerators,” which can be eye-opening.

For me, the real “ah-ha” moment came when she emphasized the importance of trust—trusting the experience, your partner, and, perhaps most importantly, yourself and your body. This can be a huge challenge, especially for those dealing with pelvic floor dysfunction.

Trust and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction

If you’re experiencing issues like urinary or bowel leakage, or pain during intercourse, trusting your body may feel like an impossible task. When your body isn’t functioning as you expect, it’s easy to lose faith in it.

Emily does an incredible job of breaking down the psychological, emotional, and social factors that play into this. I won’t attempt to summarize her entire book here, because she does it so beautifully—so, seriously, go read it!

The Physical Side: My Expertise

When it comes to the physical components, that’s where my expertise as a pelvic health professional comes in. Your pelvic floor is a critical part of your body’s overall functioning and sexual health. Beyond what you can see externally lies a complex network of 28 muscles spread across three layers. These muscles need to be able to lengthen and contract to support enjoyable and pain-free sexual experiences.

A Biopsychosocial Approach to Healing

Our bodies don’t function in isolation. The biopsychosocial model of health acknowledges that our biology, psychology, and social environment are all interconnected. While pelvic floor physical therapy can address the physical aspects, it’s essential to also work on the psychological and social components to build trust in your body.

This journey isn’t just about physical exercises; it’s about embracing and processing all of these factors. Progress in pelvic floor therapy might hit a plateau if other barriers aren’t addressed. Negative self-talk, deeply ingrained cultural beliefs, and the inability to fully embrace what brings you joy can all be obstacles.

Embracing Change and Letting Go of Negative Beliefs

In Come As You Are, there’s a quote from a character named Laurie that really hit home: “What I need to hear is that it’s okay to feel sad that my body will never be what it used to be. I put a lot of effort into learning to love that body, and now I’ve got to start all over again learning to love this one.” This was a turning point for me. After my second child, I had to learn to love my body all over again. I needed to release the negative self-talk and allow my foot to come off the brakes.

Part of this journey involved embracing my “accelerators” and letting go of the cultural narratives that suggested my desires were somehow “wrong.” That mindset shift was an absolute game changer for me.

Take Action for a Healthier, Happier Sex Life

If you’re ready for a shift, I highly recommend reading Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. And, if you’re dealing with pelvic floor issues, consider exploring pelvic floor physical therapy. Trust me—there’s hope, and change is possible. You can create a deeper connection with your body and experience a more fulfilling sex life.

You’ve got this. Take the first step today.

Get Professional Help

If you're looking for “pelvic floor therapy near me”, consider scheduling a consultation at one of our locations in Kansas City-Overland Park, Kansas, or Lees Summit, Missouri. Click here to book your appointment.

Join Our Empowered in the Bedroom Program

Struggling with discomfort during intimacy? It’s time to take back control and find lasting relief. Our Empowered in the Bedroom program provides you with the tools, knowledge, and support to ease discomfort, rebuild confidence, and strengthen your connection with your body. Enroll today and take the first step towards enjoying a comfortable and satisfying intimate life—feeling empowered, refreshed, and renewed!

With wellness in your pelvis-

Amanda Fisher, PT, DPT
Owner, Empower Your Pelvis, a pelvic floor physical therapy clinic in Kansas City (Lee’s Summit, MO and Overland Park, KS)